Even better, these letters have been going out for some time. As Evil Twin explained in her initial email, "I'm not sure If her dad died -- actually he's not mentioned in the letter, and I just threw the last two years away, so he may have. He had been enjoying ill health for many years.
I can only imagine.
I like Mr. B's summary the best. "Not only is [her] glass less than half full, it's suffering evaporative losses and could tip over in the upcoming earthquake."
You're thinking, Then what should a proper holiday letter look like, Miss Smarty-pants? I'm glad you asked. This one, IMHO, is perfection.
Let's see. Found DS in bed with his girlfriend, DD has worked 36 days out of the last 365, I've gained even more weight, the dog got out twice, I had my colonoscopy, we went to Chincoteague, DH didn't play as much golf as he wanted to, DS worked at the local golf course, BIL died. Both kids graduated, we got a new stove and dishwasher, and had a tree taken down. The paint is peeling off the top of the blue Caravan (yes, we still have it!) and I got another knee. DH got shit-faced at the big football game, and had to be carried into the house by his buddies, much to the joy of his children. DS ran into the house with the Camry. DD has a real nice fungus thing between her toes.
See? The proper amount of oversharing presented succinctly can be a beautiful thing. I love it, but I have to admit that it's kind of a cheat. It was a No-shitter from Evil Twin and it truly depicts her household goings-on this year, but it's also kind of a Bullshitter because she was mocking her husband's request that she write a holiday letter. Her real one was only slightly sanitized.
As Peter so kindly pointed out in his comment yesterday, I've already shared plenty this year so I'll cut y'all some slack and spare you my efforts. But if I get my hands on any more juicy ones, I promise to share.
*I did remove the proper nouns, but otherwise it's verbatim. I shit you not.