Yeah, I've not been doing too well with the blogging thing lately, have I?
Oh, I think about writing all sorts of things, but when it comes time to actually put black pixels on white background, it just sounds like more of the same old shit. "My husband died! It sucks! I'm depressed! Waaaah-fucking-waaahh!"
You think you're tired of reading it? You can't imagine how sick I am of thinking it.
Luckily, I am making progress with the depression thing -- turned out to be a simple dosage tweak, a really obnoxious full-spectrum light, and a handful of supplements. It's only been a week but I'm feeling better already. Unfortunately, that hasn't stopped the suckage of the last six months from repeatedly beating me about the head and shoulders, but it is nice to be able to leave the couch long enough to get my own fucking TV remote.
Here's something new: Seeing Mr. B's stuff around the house, looking at photos, thinking about him, etc. is actually getting more painful. In the early days, it was very comforting to see his hats on the hat rack, wear his pajama pants, visit his Facebook page, etc.; in fact, I craved it. But recently I find myself going out of my way to avoid all of it.
Isn't that weird?
Not sure what to do about it, other than start getting rid of stuff, but I'm hesitant to do anything I might regret later. Although I will probably shut down the Facebook page soon. The email reminders from FB can be really disturbing: "Mr. B! Let your friends know what you're up to!" It's very tempting to pull out the old Francisco Franco routine from SNL.
Wait for it...
I read somewhere that if you write down all the symptoms, grief really is a form of (usually self-limiting) mental illness. Yep, I'll buy that.
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It sounds like you are going through a normal grieving process. I wish there were a way to fast-forward grief. I don't find anything you said weird. Not at all. One day peace will come.
ReplyDeleteInteresting comment about grief being a form of mental illness.
ReplyDeleteFYI comedy can assist in the healing process!
Was wondering where you had got to
ReplyDelete::::huggles:::
There is no such thing as "getting over it". That isn't what grieving is all about. Mom died when I was 12 and I am STILL "out there" (I'm 35 now, BTW). It will get easier, though, once you remember he is at peace now, wherever he is.
Or to put it another way: he was spared the pain of losing *you*.
Try putting away some of the pictures and things (note I say put away, not throw away) for now. Reintroduce them a little at a time, over time.
And it's ok to buy stock in Kleenex. We've all been there.
Here's a good place to get help, if you need it:
http://counselingforloss.com/
Good luck, and keep us updated :)
Aye
Scratch
One of my close friends committed suicide last year, and I am reminded what I, as a therapist, have told people for years: you don't ever get over it, but you do get used to it. Life finds other miraculous people and situations to spend time on and with. These feel like platitudes but it's true.
ReplyDeleteI send warm, comforting contact dreams to you and Mr. B.
Love, Sheli
Just to change the subject, Lizzie, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm thinking of you, and hope that you find some bits and pieces of stuff to celebrate. People love you, for a start.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Ruth