So it's been a week already. I've discovered that losing Mr. B has been a lot like getting dumped -- and dumped hard -- except I can't be mad at him or key his car or anything. All I can do is FEEL, and feel the feelings about my feelings. It's freaking exhausting.
Evil Twin coined the term "Emotional Whack-a-Mole" and that pretty much sums it up. I'll be at the store or sitting at the hairstylists and all of a sudden, POW!! An emotional mole pops out of the Mr. B-shaped hole and knocks me on my ass.
Pretty soon I'll have to go back to work and such, but right now all I want to do is sit here and stare into space and drink Diet Coke and occasionally eat toast. As long as I'm in my little Cone of Silence, removed from Real Life, the emo-moles stay pretty quiet.
I have made some small progress, though: I no longer feel compelled to hold the box of his ashes on my lap all day. Seriously, I did that the first few days after I picked it up and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. I do still talk to it sometimes, but don't tell anyone, OK?
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(((((((((Liz)))))))) It's so hard to watch a friend in pain ... keep writing. I wrote letters to Rick when he died .. I can remember not being able to get home quick enough from work to write, to pour my pain out - to talk to him again as if he were reading. You are so loved and let everyone just carry you through when you can't carry yourself another step. The silence is haunting at times ... that's when I'd find myself pounding the hardwood floors sobbing uncontrollably. The more we love, the more it hurts. I wish I could ease the pain ... and the waves as they come. Somehow we walk/crawl through them and when we come out the other side, we are stronger people for having loved and lost ... I wish I could sit with you. I'm thinking of you each and everyday Liz ...
ReplyDeleteWhat Kathy said. Know that you're loved and supported and thought of constantly. I never got to meet Neal, but I love the woman you were and have become, and look forward to the woman you are becoming. Go ahead and talk to that box.
ReplyDeleteMy mom's on a shelf in the guest room. I don't talk to her much since it's been, like, over 25 years, but she's there till I figure out what to do with her. My sister had her for awhile, then I got her. Poor Mom.
Wishing you strength and healing.
ReplyDeleteDear Liz - That's exactly what grief/grieving is like. It sneaks up out of nowhere when you least expect it. Be kind and easy with yourself and just do what feels right for you. Wishing you peace and comfort.
ReplyDeleteLove ya Liz
ReplyDelete