Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Dear Diary...

Dear Diary,

Braces, Day 2: I've made it through the whole morning without chomping through my cheek once! I guess that means it's going to be a good day. I wonder, is it bad to stick wax on every single bracket? Does wax stay in your stomach for seven years like gum?


Oh, how I wish I could say I wrote this thirty-eight years ago... but no. I confess that I have joined the legions of fifty-something-year-old women with braces. All I need is a Mini Cooper and a purse that cost more than my first car and the stereotype will be complete.

It kinda sucks, but I am thankful I don't have to wear a headgear this time. I am also thankful I am now old enough to drink, and for my small stash of (probably expired) prescription pain meds. Just in case, you know.

Another advantage this time around: Instead of metal bands around each tooth, I only have metal bands on the molars. Brackets are glued on the front of the other teeth. The ones on the top are even white! Disadvantage: The brackets are whiter than my teeth. Yeah, it's a good look. How good? Let's just say I won't need to worry about spending time on the dating sites any time soon.

As bad as it looks, it's still an improvement over last weekend. Thursday I had a bottom front tooth extracted to make room for the fun to come. Oh my. The first time I saw the result in the mirror I almost peed myself. It was horrifying. A school kid missing a front tooth is cute. Someone with an AARP card? Not so much. Longest weekend ever, waiting for my appointment to get wired. As bad as the braces look, at least they somewhat obscure the ginormous canyon behind my lower lip.

Yeah, it's self-imposed, and yeah, I'm lucky to be able to do it. But do you think for one moment that I'm going to pay all that money and not enjoy the opportunity to whine about it in public?

Buckle your seat belt, baby. Two years.