Things to consider before calling tech support

I didn't write this, but I sure as hell wish I did. It came from Best of Craigslist*.

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Posted to Best of Craigslist, 2007-04-27, 11:38PM EDT

Hi! I'm your Technical Support Rep. I have a considerable 
amount of control over one or more important aspects of 
your daily life: television, telephone, and internet. 
Sometimes one, sometimes all three. Before we interact, 
I'd like to share some thoughts with you:
I am here, simply put, to fix your shit. 
My job is not complete until said shit is fixed. 
Please just help me fix this shit.
With that out of the way, know that I hate you 
exactly as much as you hate me. No more, no less. 
If you are at least relatively pleasant, I'm happy 
to help you - even to make small talk as I attend 
to the issue at hand. Conversely, if you are a 
total and complete jackass, I will make this the 
worst 10 minutes of your week.
Neither I, nor any of my coworkers, are out to 
fuck you. We are not idiots. We are college 
graduates in technical disciplines, the vast 
majority of whom are here to work their way up the 
IT ladder to more fulfilling positions. Sometimes 
we have off days, sure, but we know EXACTLY what 
we are doing. Note that this does not apply to 
anyone outside of our department. They are, in all 
reality, idiots who are out to fuck you.
So you've already unplugged the "internet box" 
and plugged it back in? Brace yourself, you're 
going to do it again. Most of the time I do this 
for a reason...unless you're a dick. Then I do it 
to see how mad it makes you.
Don't lie to me - I can tell you have a router. 
It isn't illegal.
To those who think they are "computer illiterate": 
The vast majority of the time, you are lovely 
customers: Patient, willing to learn, and most 
importantly, willing to listen. Thank you!
To those who think they are CompSci PHD's: 
The vast majority of the time, you are retarded: 
If you already cycled your equipment and it didn't 
work, why did it work when I made you do it again? 
If you are so well educated, stay the hell out of 
the queue so that people who need help can get it.
Supervisors don't have a magic wand that they 
can wave to make everything better. They are 
governed by the same protocol and use the same 
utilities as I do. In fact, supervisors are more 
likely to tell you to fuck off - believe it or not, 
they have other pressing issues to attend to. If 
a node goes down, they WILL put those 200 
subscribers before you in Priorityland.
Threatening to cancel does not intimidate 
us. We have an entire department that is paid to 
care about that, which means that I don't have 
to. Harsh? Sure, but I have more than enough work 
to do fixing shit, yelling at field techs, 
following up on cases, and explaining the concept 
of email to your grandmother that it won't cause 
me to lose any sleep.
It worked fine yesterday? Oh, then I must 
be wrong. Let me reconsider the 40 minutes I 
spent troubleshooting your Win98 box. Check 
it out: Shit breaks (see point 1); If shit did 
not break, I would be mowing your lawn instead 
of sitting in this office.
Speakerphone? Turn it the fuck off.
Don't call back and have another rep 
troubleshoot the same problem. He will read the 
notes I left about how you spilled coke into your 
cable box. Even if he didn't, he would come to 
the same conclusion, and more people with 
undiagnosed problems would be stuck listening to 
that god-awful hold music.
I am not blowing smoke when I say that I 
understand how frustrating it is to wait on 
hold, get transferred, and deal with bad agents. 
I too have called Dell's tech support line. The 
difference is that I actually DO care about your 
problem, so please just calm down before I kill 
your family.
My company has over 20 million subscribers. 
I handle a region of about 2 million. To this 
day, none of them have ever called in to say 
"I just wanted you to know that my shit is 
working correctly." Maybe someday?
So what can I help you with today?

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I think I've just found my new phone greeting!

Redacted Software; this is Liz. How may I fix your shit today?

What more can I say?

(See the original post here)

* I totally heart Best of Craigslist, but be forewarned; it's not for the faint of... heart.