Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Things to consider before calling tech support

I didn't write this, but I sure as hell wish I did. It came from Best of Craigslist*.

Posted to Best of Craigslist, 2007-04-27, 11:38PM EDT

Hi! I'm your Technical Support Rep. I have a considerable
amount of control over one or more important aspects of
your daily life: television, telephone, and internet.
Sometimes one, sometimes all three. Before we interact,
I'd like to share some thoughts with you:

  • I am here, simply put, to fix your shit.
    My job is not complete until said shit is fixed.
    Please just help me fix this shit.

  • With that out of the way, know that I hate you
    exactly as much as you hate me. No more, no less.
    If you are at least relatively pleasant, I'm happy
    to help you - even to make small talk as I attend
    to the issue at hand. Conversely, if you are a
    total and complete jackass, I will make this the
    worst 10 minutes of your week.

  • Neither I, nor any of my coworkers, are out to
    fuck you. We are not idiots. We are college
    graduates in technical disciplines, the vast
    majority of whom are here to work their way up the
    IT ladder to more fulfilling positions. Sometimes
    we have off days, sure, but we know EXACTLY what
    we are doing. Note that this does not apply to
    anyone outside of our department. They are, in all
    reality, idiots who are out to fuck you.

  • So you've already unplugged the "internet box"
    and plugged it back in? Brace yourself, you're
    going to do it again. Most of the time I do this
    for a reason...unless you're a dick. Then I do it
    to see how mad it makes you.

  • Don't lie to me - I can tell you have a router.
    It isn't illegal.

  • To those who think they are "computer illiterate":
    The vast majority of the time, you are lovely
    customers: Patient, willing to learn, and most
    importantly, willing to listen. Thank you!

  • To those who think they are CompSci PHD's:
    The vast majority of the time, you are retarded:
    If you already cycled your equipment and it didn't
    work, why did it work when I made you do it again?
    If you are so well educated, stay the hell out of
    the queue so that people who need help can get it.

  • Supervisors don't have a magic wand that they
    can wave to make everything better. They are
    governed by the same protocol and use the same
    utilities as I do. In fact, supervisors are more
    likely to tell you to fuck off - believe it or not,
    they have other pressing issues to attend to. If
    a node goes down, they WILL put those 200
    subscribers before you in Priorityland.

  • Threatening to cancel does not intimidate
    us. We have an entire department that is paid to
    care about that, which means that I don't have
    to. Harsh? Sure, but I have more than enough work
    to do fixing shit, yelling at field techs,
    following up on cases, and explaining the concept
    of email to your grandmother that it won't cause
    me to lose any sleep.

  • It worked fine yesterday? Oh, then I must
    be wrong. Let me reconsider the 40 minutes I
    spent troubleshooting your Win98 box. Check
    it out: Shit breaks (see point 1); If shit did
    not break, I would be mowing your lawn instead
    of sitting in this office.

  • Speakerphone? Turn it the fuck off.

  • Don't call back and have another rep
    troubleshoot the same problem. He will read the
    notes I left about how you spilled coke into your
    cable box. Even if he didn't, he would come to
    the same conclusion, and more people with
    undiagnosed problems would be stuck listening to
    that god-awful hold music.

  • I am not blowing smoke when I say that I
    understand how frustrating it is to wait on
    hold, get transferred, and deal with bad agents.
    I too have called Dell's tech support line. The
    difference is that I actually DO care about your
    problem, so please just calm down before I kill
    your family.

  • My company has over 20 million subscribers.
    I handle a region of about 2 million. To this
    day, none of them have ever called in to say
    "I just wanted you to know that my shit is
    working correctly." Maybe someday?

So what can I help you with today?


I think I've just found my new phone greeting!
Redacted Software; this is Liz. How may I fix your shit today?

What more can I say?

(See the original post here)

* I totally heart Best of Craigslist, but be forewarned; it's not for the faint of... heart.

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