Monday, August 4, 2008

Guest Post: The Protestant Ancestors

(I'm on travel this week. While I'm off sitting on a stool in a booth in a windowless convention hall, my Greek chorus of Protestant Ancestors have volunteered, en masse, to amuse and entertain in their own inimitable fashion, such as it is. Sorry.)

Greetings. We are glad to make ourselves known to you and, Lord willing, set things around here to rights.

We are mortified and frankly discouraged by the laxity of moral fiber displayed herein by one of our descendants. We are blessed to have this opportunity to set an example for Elizabeth Ann to follow. Our fervent wish is that she spend the precious few remaining years of her dotage following a path of piety, humility, and decorum. We have serious doubts that she is capable of this; nonetheless, it is our burden duty to try.

We must first address the whining. We are appalled by the copious amount of complaining, sniveling, self-pity, and other weak behavior exhibited in this forum. This public forum, God forbid! A Person of True Character inherently knows that all complaints are to be sublimated, stifled, and otherwise swallowed whole. Complaining is nothing more than a self-indulgent cry for attention; attention that a Person of True Character does not need, want, nor deserve.

Even making these essays available public consumption is a blatant and completely immodest bid for attention. She may as well run down the street stark naked, waving her arms and screaming 'Look at me! Look at me!'

(Hmm.... Well, maybe not. Have you seen her in a swimsuit? We're not hating; just saying, is all.)

The language? Shocking. Vile epithets aside, the subject matter of most of these essays is beyond the pale. It is shameful for a woman of her advanced age to not only spend time alone in the company of a man not her husband, but to even hint at what might have occurred that first night... well, the half & half anecdote alone had most of us laying prostrate in a darkened room with cold cloths on our foreheads, and the rest pacing in circles with our fingers in our ears belting 'Onward Christian Soldiers' at the tops of our lungs.

Speaking of husband, we won't even address the whole sordid divorce and her failed duties as woman and wife. It has left an indelible stain on our good name as well as her immortal soul. Generations of our women have grimly soldiered on through centuries of marriage, performing their duties with clean hands and pure hearts, thusly earning their rightful places in Heaven. We all had dreams! What makes her so special? We'll leave her to sort out that whole ugly mess with her Lord. We wish her good luck with all of that.

We have been completely humiliated by her references to her (ahem) 'medications'. A Person of True Character bears whatever trials God sends in accordance with His slightest whim will. The luxury of allowing oneself to feel depressed is self-indulgence of the highest order; an extreme failure of will and character. She is obviously damaged and unworthy. And have we mentioned weak?

We have determined that for Elizabeth Ann to avoid further ruin, she must make amends for her repeated grievous errors in judgment. Her ongoing penance has been to spend 40 hours a week sitting at a desk with the requirement to look busy in the almost complete absence of meaningful work. We had hoped that this would bring her around but we're starting to think not so much. We will require her to continue on that course for some time, but we have compiled this list of additional activities to occupy her idle hands and rehabilitate her impure mind.

We recommend that she immediately:
  • Volunteer for the Republican Party

  • Learn, embrace, and proselytize the tenants of Intelligent Design

  • Follow Nascar

  • Watch Bill O'Reilly

  • Volunteer to clean toilets in a Large, Highly-Regarded Medical Institution

  • Take up scrapbooking

You know, with the enormity of her failings enumerated before us, we have grave concerns about whether the soul of this weak-willed, licentious, self-indulgent crone-child can even be saved. It would certainly be tragic if her soul was lost forever, forfeiting her place at the family table in Heaven; but to be honest, we're not so sure it would be that great of a loss.

Although we hear tell she bakes a hell of a cake.

The Protestant Ancestors



  1. Your post is hilarious. I love your writing style. I found you searching for plarn and I'm so glad that I did. I had my own plarnification just recently. You can read about it on my blog here:

  2. Hilarious. And you know, leave it to those olde tyme Protestants to come up with some severe-assed punishments. Boy, I bet those guys were a BLAST at parties.


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