Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Good Wife

As you may know, I was married once, for oh, something like 28 years and I am getting married again in approximately 82 day, 0 hours, 25 minutes, and 32 seconds. I'd like to think that being a little older and wiser (and battle-scarred) might lead me to experience a little more success at wifehood this time around.

Well, color my high hopes all shades of dashed. According to The Good Wife's Guide, I am thoroughly fucked. And not in that good way, either.

The Good Wife's Guide*
from Housekeeping Monthly, 13 May 1955

  • Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

  • Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

  • Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

  • Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

  • During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

  • Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

  • Be happy to see him.

  • Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

  • Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

  • Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

  • Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

  • Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

  • Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

  • Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

  • A good wife always knows her place.

  • It is obvious that I have learned absolutely nothing at all about husband-whispering from my three-decades-long relationship. Hell, I'll be lucky on any given day to check even three of these boxes. And that's on a good day.

    Although... I'm guessing if I was 'a little gay', it would indeed be a 'little more interesting' for him... ahem. I digress.

    What this really tells me is that what I used to tell the Ex is still as true today as it was ten or twenty years ago: I need a wife!

    * JFC! No wonder our mothers drank.


    1. My expectations are heightened!! Maybe we could take turns and randomly select five items for one night a week. You know I suck at having things done for me...


    2. Oh, so we're taking turns, right? Who's turn is it to 'be a little gay' tonight?

    3. Wait. What are you saying? I mean, those ARE my expectations...


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