Wednesday, November 17, 2010

U'r doing it wrong

Everyone keeps telling me there are no rules for grieving, but I still feel like I'm doing it wrong.

It's only been just shy of two months since Mr. B died, and I am (mostly) back in one piece. The events of the last five months have faded, almost to the point of seeming unreal.

I keep poking myself (mentally, you pervs) searching for signs that I'm kidding myself, and that there's still a big wad of something festering inside that I haven't gotten to yet.

I'm not finding it.

I keep coming to the conclusion that I have reached a pretty good perspective on my relationship with Mr. B, the good and not-so-much. I am at peace (most of the time) with the fact that the rest of my life is not going to go the way I thought. How one phone call in June changed everything.

Oh, I still have bad days, but they don't hurt as bad or last as long. Sometimes I still feel gypped, but it no longer comes with the side order of blinding rage.

I feel disloyal admitting that I'm doing OK. It hasn't even been two months, for fuck's sake! I should be in more pain. Shouldn't I still be in more pain? I keep looking but it's not there.

What's worse, I keep going back to the dating site (not match.com this time). I find myself looking for profiles that show originality and wit (and, I admit, decent grammar). It's quite a challenge, believe me, but that's a post for another day. At first I really was looking for Mr. B, but now I find myself wondering what some of these guys are really like. Still don't have a desire to act on it, but is it really OK to look?

I dunno. It doesn't seem right, somehow. But that doesn't seem to stop me.

It's really hard for me to write this because so many of my twelves of readers know me personally and most of the rest knew Mr. B, but I feel I need to be honest about this process, 'cause otherwise, what's the point?

I still feel like I'm doing it wrong, but I can't figure out how to do it "right" and still be true to myself.
 

7 comments:

  1. I don't think there is a time limit to the stages of grieving and also believe that you can move through a step and then end up stepping back again. I can't imagine what it must be like, but I think that writing it out is the best way. It gets your thoughts out, and I think that would be an important part of it. Maybe because you aren't holding it all in is why you are where you are today.

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  2. ET's Much Older SisterNovember 17, 2010 at 5:40 PM

    What Biker Be said!

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  3. Trust your gut. You'll do what is right for you. And, Biker B is right. I can tell you from my 14 years as a therapist that grief is not linear. You'll absolutely skip around in the stages. Don't beat yourself up; there is no right.

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  4. What they all said. You are a good person with good instincts. What you are feeling just IS. There is no "wrong". I'm sure your writing is therapeutic, plus it's inspiring to the rest of us.

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  5. Take as long as you want.. It's been 5 years since I've lost my friend and I'm still upset when I go back to the spot where he was killed. It's a sad thing but it does get better! At least you cared about someone that much

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  6. I'm one of those followers who doesn't know you personally; I just stumbled upon your blog and love the way you write - which is kinda how I think. As to your post, I don't think there's a right way or wrong way to grieve or any time table for when you'll feel 'better' or 'ok.' It takes as long as it takes and I imagine it's different for everyone. Wishing you the best...

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  7. Hi Liz,

    I also have just stumbled upon your blog, I was searching some stuff on the web totally unrelated. My sister lost her husband 3 years ago and she is not still not okay. I would have given anything for her to be able to feel her pain, work through it and lift her head and heart up to look around after 2 months. Instead, 3 years on and everyday is still a struggle.
    Do not let anyone (or society) make feel that you are doing it wrong - why should you dwell on the pain instead of reaching for happiness?

    All the best to you, and your happiness.

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