Thursday, November 4, 2010

Wherein things get a little weird

I tried. I cut myself all sorts of slack, removed all expectations, and I still couldn't do it. I really hate-hate-hate to quit, but I'm bailing on this year's NaNoWriMo.

I'm just not feeling it this year. It's just not happening. Since (for me) NaNo is for entertainment purposes only, I figger there is absolutely no point in me feeling bad about doing badly -- so badly, in fact, that today I can't even bring myself to open the document I've been working on for the past three days. Yes, it's five thousand and fifty-three words of "that bad." Not enough lipstick in the world to make that pig look good, IYKWIM.

My mistake was not following my own advice. To be fair, though, I couldn't have. What with helping Mr. B graduate to the next dimension and all, there just wasn't enough mental energy available to spend on giving a red, ripe rat's ass. I think that's a valid excuse, don't you?

Speaking of next dimension, my latest random coping technique is a sudden and unwavering faith in George Anderson and John Edward, those mediums who can communicate with the spirits of the dead. I've decided that I believe them with all my heart, everything they say is true, and that Mr. B is hanging around me -- and his pals if needed -- kind of like a guardian angel. So far it's working out pretty well. He gave me a great sunrise the other day. I do kind of blame him for letting me down with the whole NaNo thing, but I suppose I can only ask so much.

Oh, wait, here's a good one. Ready for this? The other day I found myself searching on WTF is up with that? It took me a day or two to realize that I was actually searching for Mr. B. I knew it was time to back away when I got an email with the subject line: "Mr. B* in Seattle is a match for you!" I almost shit myself before I realized it wasn't actually him. That was the end of

I guess that means the lonely is setting in. And it's the inside kind of lonely, not the kind that can be fixed by being with people. No way past it but through it, I suppose.

I'll leave you with something fun: Young Son got this in his trick or treat bag.

"I got a rock."

I think it's brilliant! I know what I'm handing out next year.

* Of course it didn't say Mr. B, but it did have his first name, spelled properly, which is not the common way. And that's a no-shitter.


  1. I'm a firm believer that if you're doing something for fun, it's more than okay to quit when you're no longer having fun. The only long charity bike ride I've quit was in Houston, probably the flattest and easiest charity bike ride in Texas, because I just wasn't feeling very good, and no longer having fun.

    The Charlie Brown rock is brilliance.

  2. Well if you say it's OK, then I'm good with that. :)

    Re the rock: My man-hands really show it to its best advantage, too.

  3. At this point you have permission to do whatever is most helpful and comforting to you. I was thinking if you did any writing, it would be more as a way to express what you are going through right now... not something light and entertaining. You have good instincts and should follow them.

    I totally believe Neal (I still don't know the background for the "Mr. B." reference... sorry I'm slow on that) could be around you right now and very likely is until he knows you'll be okay. My sister felt my brother-in-law around her for about 4 months and had a psychic friend who could verify that (the irony was that Dave wasn't totally thrilled with this psychic friend's antics in life and she was one of the few people who could communicate with him at that time). So... people will believe what they will, but I had a "wave" of Dave at their house after his death also. It was as powerful as a good noseful of lilacs in bloom ... or a rose. No one had to tell me "who" that was I briefly felt waft over me. It was kind of a gift.

    This sort of stuff has always been fascinating to me and maybe because of some personal experiences, so I've picked up a few books along the way. If you are inclined to want to read that sort of thing, the ones I think you would find most interesting are those by Melvin Morse (a pediatrician who came to the subject with a heavy dose of skepticism... his first book is "Closer to the Light") and another called, "Hello from Heaven" by Bill and Judy Guggenheim (people's accounts kind of grouped by types of experiences). You could borrow some of these from me or Amazon probably has them used for cheap. I love buying used books through them... reasonable and right to my door!

    BTW... I loved the rock. :-)

    Kathy M.


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