Thursday, June 10, 2010

Taking Turns

Dear Fellow Motorist,

I know, I know. You believe beyond any doubt that you're doing the right thing when you give up your right-of-way by stopping in the middle of the street to let some Swaggerwagon out of a parking lot, or wave the other guy ahead at a 4-way stop, or whatever. You think you're being generous and considerate and loving your fellow human.

But do you know what you're really doing? Hmmm? Do you? I will tell you what you are really doing: You really are boning those of us stuck behind your stupid ass.

Surprised? I thought so. It may be a stretch for you, but just imagine that sometimes we may actually have to consider the results of our actions on things that aren't right in front of our faces.

Why oh why do you think people you can see are more deserving of your goodwill than those behind you? In what universe are you allowed to bend the rules of the road completely without consequence simply because you think your motives are pure? I don't even pretend to understand what kind of stunted thought processes it takes to make those decisions seem valid, but I do know that YOU ARE PISSING ME THE HELL OFF.

Listen, the only way we can safely drive down a ridiculously narrow ribbon of pavement in opposite directions at high rates of speed separated by only a thin stripe of yellow paint without slaughtering each other is because we cling to the belief that everyone will FOLLOW the fucking RULES and behave in a predictable manner. So when you nobly offer up your turn to someone you decide is more deserving, not only are you telling me, the person behind you missing the next stoplight because of your generosity-cum-assholery, that I am less worthy than the numbnuts trying to make an ill-advised left turn out of Burger King during rush hour, but you immediately become something much worse than a garden variety Asshole; you are now an Unpredictable Driver. And my made-up statistics show that Unpredictable Drivers are the ones who always fuck everything up, every single time.

So I beg you, pleaseoplease just follow the fucking rules, take your lawfully given right-of-way, and no one will get hurt.

Not threatening, just saying is all.

Oh, and be sure to have a nice day, Asshat.



  1. Amen.

    Not sure who's worse - the dickheads who try to turn left onto insanely busy roads, or the dipshits who stop to let them in, only encouraging the madness.

    I hear ya!

  2. Are you absolutely SURE it's not Mope in front of you on your daily commute?

    His brother?

    The stories I can tell . . .


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